That 'P' Word
by gingeringfigs
Summary: Purging poisons had never been so embarrassing and hard before and Naruto really hates his life.


**Title:** That 'P' word

**Rating:** NC-17

**Summary: **Purging poisons had never been so embarrassing and hard before and Naruto really hates his life.

**A/N:** I've been writing a lot of depressing stuff lately like "Denouement" and "Tenebroso" and I needed a change of pace. I was also suffering from writer's block so this was an attempt to break it. This is obviously on crack and very NSFW. This also occurs sometime after "What happens in Iwa, stays in Iwa".

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><p><strong>That 'P' Word<strong>

Naruto generally made it a point not to hate his enemies as part of his nindo. Not even Kyuubi or Madara could have made him break his resolution. However, at this very moment, he really hated that Kusa kunoichi with a disturbing resemblance to Orochimaru's female disguise during his first Chuunin exams with the ferocity of a thousand Kyuubi(s). That damn bitch had attacked both him and Minato with "Ponfar" pollen! It was only thanks to Sakura's education that he was able to identify the red poisonous dust but by then, it was already too late as the symptoms set in.

Body temperature that fluctuated between hot and cold, quickened breathing, accelerated heart rate, and lastly…a deep need for release that only grew more and more persistent with every minute. And finally, death would occur as their body systems went haywire. If they were unable to receive a cure, the other alternative was to…well, engage in sexual activity until the pollen was flushed out from their body.

Obviously, the latter choice was more appealing because hey, who would want to turn down sex? Especially when you legitimately had the best excuse ever to have sex, to fuck or die? Unfortunately for Naruto and Minato, it wasn't so straightforward. To be successful in the latter choice, you had to be with another contaminated person or you would simply infect a poor innocent and start the cycle all over again. And that person was Namikaze Minato, huddling right across him on the chair, looking absolutely miserable.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that goddamn bitch not only wanted to kill them but humiliate them in the most painful and embarrassing manner ever. Naruto did not want to engage in sexual congress with another man, especially one who was his future father in an alternate reality. Being forced to kiss him on several occasions (See report on Iwa Reconnaissance for reference) was already bad enough! It was so damn unlucky that they didn't have the antidote and that Kusa bitch had escaped. Holy Inari, Naruto really wanted to roast that Kusa bitch for landing him in this situation with Minato, his nindo bedamned!

Naruto was sweating heavily despite having taken off his flak vest and shirt. The fan in their shared bedroom at the inn was already at full-blast but Naruto still felt too hot as the poison wreaked havoc on his body. At least, he wasn't feeling the horniness…yet. Minato was in similar state of dress and he had been very quiet ever since the confrontation with the Kusa-bitch. He was curled up in the lone chair, hugging his knees to his chest, burying his flushed face in the thick fabric of his pants. Naruto could see his shoulders and chest moving as he breathed slowly and deeply; Minato was attempting to meditate to slow his body's processes down but without apparent success.

Naruto chewed on his lower lip as he thought of how to deal with their situation. Option one - they could call off this reconnaissance mission in Kusa and rush back to Konoha to be cured. But that would be at the risk of Konoha's future safety because Kusa would become one of the pivotal battlefields, namely, the Battle of Kannabi Bridge that had made Kakashi and Minato famous in his time. So…no, they couldn't use option one.

Option two – They could chase down the Kusa bitch and beat the antidote out of her before the worse of the symptoms set in and Naruto wouldn't need to resort to drastic measures (See Option Three). Unfortunately, they had no idea where she was now and it would take days to find her when she was laying low. Even worse, they would also draw the attention of Iwa nin and fuck up their mission. So very reluctantly, Naruto tossed the idea into the bin.

Option three – Have sex with Minato, be cured and call it a day. His mind stalled and wouldn't progress further than the three words, "Sex. With. Minato." Because dude _no._ His skin crawled at the very thought of doing the horizontal tango with the man who was completely identical to his future father in every single way. Naruto stifled a groan and closed his eyes, trying his best not to feel the heat in his veins.

"Naruto…just how the hell do you always land us into these crazy situations? I thought that Jiraiya's misadventures were the worse but congratulations, you've won the award of the year." Minato sarcastically said, his voice strained and low. Naruto opened his eyes and craned his head to see that Minato had finally raised his head from his knees and his eyes were sparking blue fury. His flushed cheeks and heavy breathing did little to detract from how intimidating Minato was in his fury. Naruto giggled nervously, raising his hand to scratch his head, "Er, my shitty luck, I guess…?"

Minato groaned and let his head fall back on top of his knees, his blond hair in disarray. His muffled voice bemoaned, "Goddamnit. I can't believe that I'm going to die in a shithole from literal blue balls with this idiot as a virgin. I should have taken up on Jiraiya's birthday present on my sixteenth birthday."

Naruto couldn't help but laugh, startled by Minato's unusual words even as he reeled at the revelation that his father was still a _virgin_. Namikaze Minato, the most eligible bachelor of Konoha was still a _virgin_? Minato's cheeks darkened further in embarrassment as he glared at Naruto, daring him to say a single word.

Naruto made an effort to rein in his hilarity before finally saying with a sincere contrite expression, "Sorry, I wasn't laughing at you still being a virgin. I was just very surprised and amused by your unusual words. And what's this about your sixteenth birthday present…?" Naruto was greatly itching to know.

Minato eyed him for a long moment before ascertaining that Naruto was being sincere. He blew at his long fringe before replying, "Jiraiya tried to hook me up with twin sisters. I freaked out and ran out of the room before the twin sisters could even touch me."

"Oh. Why did you freak out?" Naruto gently asked, sliding closer to the edge of the bed towards Minato. He wasn't surprised by Jiraiya's attempt to hook Minato up with twin sisters though he did wonder where he found them. Minato sighed and rubbed his forehead with his fingers, his lips drawing into a tense line.

"They…were red-heads. They reminded me too much of Kushina and I couldn't deal with it, even if they looked very different from her."

"Oh damn. That must have sucked." Naruto winced, knowing just how much Kushina's death had affected Minato. Thankfully, Minato seemed to be finally getting over her death but memories still had a way of lingering in the most unexpected places, this Naruto knew from intimate experience. He continued, "That was really short-sighted or forgetful of Ero-sennin."

"Quite. I was mad at Jiraiya for days." Minato finally gave a small smile. Naruto grinned back before he casually tossed out a nugget of information, "You know, you shouldn't be ashamed that you still haven't popped your cherry. I'm cherry myself."

Naruto was greatly amused by the wide-eyed look of shock he got from Minato. Yep, though he was familiar with carnal activities thanks to his two perverted teachers Jiraiya's and Kakashi's influence, it was only in theory. He hadn't had the chance to actually put it into practice. Waving his hand, he drawled, "Yeah, surprising eh? But it's the truth."

Minato blinked and he was about to respond before he suddenly doubled over and toppled off his chair with a pained hiss. Alarmed, Naruto was at his side like a shot and when he touched Minato's forehead, he was shocked by feverishly hot he was. Minato's body was going into shutdown and Naruto cursed himself for failing to notice just how bad Minato's condition had become.

"Damn it, Minato, why didn't you tell me that it was already this bad?" Naruto yelled as he dragged him onto the bed and quickly pulled off his pants, leaving him in his boxers despite Minato's weak resistance, to prevent him from overheating. Naruto ran into the adjoining bathroom to grab the towels and soaked them in cold water before rushing back to Minato. He placed the wet towels on Minato as he swore.

Damn it, he should have realised that the poison would work faster on Minato because he didn't have the same inherent Uzumaki resilience like him. Minato's eyes were still focused on him despite glazing over in his fever and he smiled sheepishly, "Sorry. I didn't think that it would get this bad so quickly. And I definitely think that this warrants more than a kiss."

"Idiot."

Naruto shook his head; even when Minato was on the verge of dying, he still made jokes. He ran through his list of options once more and still couldn't come up with a good plan other than number three. But really, it wasn't actually that bad of a plan. It was only his moral inhibitions and reservations that were in the way. It wasn't as though Minato was actually his father even if he might carry the same name and face. It also helped a lot that Minato was quite good-looking and he'd saved his ass quite a few times before. It was time to return the favour. But it still wasn't easy getting over his squeamishness…

Minato groaned, his teeth clenching in pain. Naruto squeezed his eyes shut before reopening them with determination blazing in his eyes. Alright, time to do number three. He had to save Minato's life no matter what.

Naruto crawled onto the bed to crouch over Minato's legs and eyed the tented toad and spiral patterned boxers in trepidation. At any other occasion, he would laugh at Minato's taste in underwear but right now, he felt extremely nervous and man, that wouldn't be very polite to puke in Minato's lap while he was dying.

Drawing in a deep breath to steady his nerves, Naruto swiftly pulled down the boxers and swallowed Minato's cock into his mouth. He was careful not to let his teeth touch Minato's sensitive flesh as he fellated him, knowing that it wouldn't feel pleasant and Minato's body was already going to be extremely sensitive to stimuli thanks to the poison. He couldn't fit all of Minato into his mouth so he wrapped his hand around the base and stroked the way he liked to do so on himself. Minato made a funny strangled noise and his hips jerked involuntarily towards him, forcing Naruto to quickly back off.

"Hey, watch it! I know that it's your first blowjob but for the love of god, don't try to kill me with your cock by choking me with it. That's so not how I want to go."

"What the fuck are you doing, Naruto?" Minato wheezed, somehow finding enough strength to pull up his boxers again. Naruto tried to pull them back down again, inadvertently starting a tug-of-war over Minato's boxers. Exasperated by Minato's prudish behaviour, Naruto hissed, "Goddamnit, I'm trying to save your life here. Just lie back and think of Konoha or something. This is the first and last time I'm doing it for you so you better fucking appreciate it!"

With a loud rip, the boxers tore, leaving Minato completely exposed. He squawked and quickly pulled one of the towels over his lap, his speed impressive despite his debilitating fever. But too late, Naruto was already on the warpath and he would not be fucking deterred by Minato's shy virginal act. Damn, who would have thought that the future Yellow Flash would be this shy? Did that mean Kushina had to take the initiative? Ugh, waaaait, he so did not want to think of how he was conceived while he was trying to fellate Minato at the same time in order to save his life (with an emphasis on _trying_).

"Kage Bunshin!"

With a noiseless poof of smoke, Naruto's shadow clone appeared and it quickly moved to restrain Minato's arms. Minato now looked rather wild-eyed and was actively trying to escape from Naruto who sat on his legs to restrain them. It was almost pathetically easy containing him, testament to how devastating and fast-acting the poison was. Usually on a good day, it would have taken at least five Narutos to successfully pin down Minato. Naruto gripped the edge of the towel and he looked Minato in the eye, "Okay, here's the deal. If you want to live, you will have to let me suck you off. It's actually a pretty good deal, I think. Blowjob as a cure and you can say good-bye to your virginity at the same time. So, is it yes or no?"

Minato didn't reply for a very long moment and Naruto was just about to pull off the towel when the stubborn man finally cracked and he mumbled sullenly, "…Fine."

Naruto sighed in relief and he smiled reassuringly at Minato, "Good. I promise that I'll try to make it good for you, ok? It's also my first time here. So umm, just relax."

Before Minato could change his mind, Naruto whipped off the towel and went down on him again, making sure to hold Minato's hips still this time. Ignoring Minato's heartfelt curse above him and dispelling his clone, Naruto concentrated on making Minato climax quickly, wanting it over as soon as possible.

"Ow! Watch your _teeth_!"

Minato's voice cracked and Naruto mentally winced. Oops, he was going too fast if Minato wasn't enjoying it. Going slower this time much to Minato's relief, Naruto continued to suck and lick Minato's sensitive cock and Minato flopped backwards on the bed, covering his eyes with his hand. He muttered, "Oh god, I can't believe that this is happening…"

Nevertheless, his other free hand was already burying itself in Naruto's hair, unconsciously pushing the other man further down on him as he rocked upwards, pushing his cock into Naruto's mouth that felt sinfully hot and wet around him. Even as his mind protested, his body desperately needed the release and it did feel really, really _good, _almost painful in its intensity.

Naruto almost gagged when Minato's cock prodded at his soft palate and his eyes watered. His jaw was starting to get sore, unused to the act of fellatio. How the hell did professionals do it? Naruto was starting to doubt the veracity of Ero-Sennin's dreamy-eyed stories of women who could deep-throat, to actually swallow all of a man's cock into her mouth and throat when he was having so much trouble just fitting half of Minato's average length into his mouth.

He was sorely tempted to quit right now and simply finish off the job by giving Minato a hand-job but that wouldn't be effective in purging the poison. Grunting, he shifted around to a more comfortable position. This was an extremely uncomfortable situation for him but he tried not to think too hard about it. At least, Minato seemed to be finally getting into it, enthusiastically enjoying his first blowjob, judging from his loud groans and heavy breathing.

In fact, Minato seemed to be getting close to climax, his grip on his hair tightening. Naruto quickened his movements, swirling his tongue around his cock and pressing the tip against the frenulum in a sharp stabbing motion. Minato's response was immediate. He gasped and his eyes squeezed shut before he came explosively into Naruto's mouth with a strangled loud moan of relief.

Naruto couldn't swallow all of the semen that suddenly flooded his mouth and he had to back off, spitting out the rest onto the bed sheets. He saw that the liquid was coloured pink instead of white due to the poison's presence. Well, that didn't actually taste so bad like he'd thought it would be. Instead, it tasted slightly salty and sweet. Naruto ran his tongue over his lips, catching the remnants of the pink liquid out of habit formed from years of licking ramen broth. The poison was now neutralised. The heavily wheezing Minato looked rather stunned and Naruto took the opportunity to query, "Are you feeling better now?"

"…I am feeling much better now." Minato blushed furiously, before he gestured vaguely, "But what about you? Don't you need…?"

Naruto blushed heavily as he suddenly realised that his pants were tented. But unlike Minato, he didn't feel feverish at all. Swallowing some of Minato's contaminated semen must have neutralised the poison in him. Quickly dropping his hands to cover his crotch, he tried not to look at Minato as he replied, "I think I just accidentally cured myself by consuming some of your er, body fluids. There's no need for that, thank you."

"…Right."

Minato wrapped a towel around himself, his heavy blush showing no signs of fading. Still holding his hands in front of his crotch, Naruto stood up and stiffly walked to the bathroom with an awkward, "I'm…going to use the bathroom now, ok?"

"Yeah…ok."

"…Cool."

The moment Naruto locked the door, his pants and boxers (orange with red spirals) hit the floor and he was already in the shower with hot water running at full blast. He had his hand around his cock and with a few strokes; he was already coming with a loud exultant yell, which Minato probably easily heard from outside the bathroom despite the loud running water. But he was beyond caring. As his pink semen washed away into the drain, Naruto sagged against the tiled wall. He muttered to thin air, "This is so fucked up."

Hours later, when the duo were finally able to look at each other and speak civilly without either blushing or becoming tongue-tied, Naruto held out his pinky finger and said, "Let's not speak of this ever again."

Without hesitation, Minato, his ears still pink, hooked his pinky finger around Naruto's and replied, "Deal…oh shit."

"What?" Naruto apprehensively asked, not wanting to know what had made Minato pale so suddenly. Minato gave him a bleak look of despair.

"We still have to write a _report_."

There was utter silence as both Minato and Naruto stared at each other in mutual horror as they envisioned their nightmarish future of merciless teasing and blackmail from their colleagues. It had already been bad enough with the Iwa Reconaissance reports but this was definitely going to be pure hell. Naruto finally broke the silence with a crack of his knuckles and a grim expression on his face.

"...I'm going to kill that Kusa bitch if I ever see her again."

"Get in line." Minato agreed with a growl.

**Fin.**


End file.
